DVD Movie Reviews

By Dan

If you’re a real man like me (the hair on my chest proves as much – sorry metro boys), you like watching action movies. The more fist fights, car chases, explosions and laughably bad dialogue, the better. And if you’ve watched more than a few action spectaculars, you’ve probably thought about who is actually the toughest action star around.

Well, I’m about to tell ya!

But firstly, before we get to the top ten of action-o-rama, let’s look at the also rans:

Those who didn’t make the cut
Jet Li – yes, he’s electrifying on the screen, but I just don’t think he’s top ten tough. Sorry Jet. (To be honest, has anyone called Jet really been that tough?)
Mr. T – oh, he can pull off wearing 5 kilos of gold chains, which is a form of toughness. But so can Joan Collins, and she ain’t that tough.
Bruce Willis – old (and he is old now) Brucey baby is way too much of an actor to make me believe that he’s really that tough. And considering he played John McClane, that makes me cry a little.
Clint Eastwood – Yeah, he’s tough (just look at his permanent pissed off expression – I assume he doesn’t smile even when giving Christmas presents to his grandkids), but at his age, one good tumble could put him out of action for months. Sorry Clint, but hip replacement surgery ain’t tough.

10: Steven Seagal

Why he’s tough: He’s been sporting the same bad haircut for 20 years, and hasn’t changed his squinty expression for about the same amount of time – that’s certainly tough, because it sure isn’t smart. Besides, he’s usually dressed in black, which is officially the toughest of colours (just Darth Vader).

9: Sylvester Stallone

Why he’s tough: Come on, he didn’t succeed in movies because of his handsome good looks or crystal clear diction, did he. You think he would have any success if he was a skinny weakling?

Why he could beat Seagal: Unlike Seagal (who seemingly hasn’t said no to a hamburger for a few years), Stallone has kept himself in shape. It might not be entirely natural methods, but who cares?

8: Chuck Norris

Why he’s tough: Haven’t you heard the five thousand odd jokes on the internet about how tough he is? Well, he’s not actually that tough, but he is still tough enough to reach #8.

Why he could beat Stallone: Ever go into a country bar, and there’s a group of guys in jeans, boots, check shirts and old hats that have been working on the farm for the past 30 years? Chuck Norris looks like one of those guys, but he also knows Karate. (Although old-fashioned farm-boy ass kickin’ is still tough in it’s own right.)

7: Jason Statham

Why he’s tough: He’s bald (which as I keep telling myself, is a sign of toughness), he’s got that rough and ready English accent, and he looks like he’s already taken a few punches. Besides, he looks like a headbutter.

Why he could beat Norris: Statham is still a (relatively) spritely 44-years-old; while Norris is comparatively ancient 71-years-old. This means that Norris’ ridiculously high pants would restrict his movement, giving Statham an easy win.

6: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Why he’s tough: Back in the ‘80s, this is what every man (secretly or otherwise) aspired to look like. You don’t win Mr. Olympia a massive seven times if you don’t look the part. And surely those muscles mean you’re pretty tough, right?

Why he could beat Statham: Yes, Statham has age on his side, but Schwarzenegger isn’t just tough, he knows politicians. A couple of phone calls, and Statham has mysteriously vanished.

5: Bruce Lee

Why he’s tough: He’s the first legitimate sportsman on the list, which makes him pretty tough to begin with. (Sorry bodybuilding fans, but anything with that much baby oil isn’t a sport, it’s a hobby. And that includes – and it pains me greatly to say this – bikini girls oil wrestling.) Oh, Lee also made the Hong Kong film industry the powerhouse it is today, largely because he was a badass.

Why he could beat Schwarzenegger: It’s the old David and Goliath story, and we all know who was left standing at the end of that little tale.

4: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Why he’s tough: You may remember him from doing the splits in all of his ‘80s films, just to show that he could do them; but if you’re a Belgian kickboxing fan from the late ‘70s, you might remember him as one of the most dominant fighters of the era. That’s got to count for something.

Why he could beat Lee: Oh yeah, Lee’s dead isn’t he? All Van Damme would need to do is go to Lee’s grave (in Seattle, fact fans), do a little jig on top of it, and he’s got this won.

3: The Rock

Why he’s tough: He’s called The Rock. You don’t get that particular nickname if you aren’t as hard as, well, a rock. But let’s not forget that he also was in pro-wrestling for a few years, and while it might not be… you know… an actual sport, you’re still jumping onto your back twenty times a night, 250 nights a year with only a pair of Speedos for protection. Hell, being in front of 20,000 fans in just your skivvies is tough in itself.

Why he could beat Van Damme: We don’t think that Van Damme really does the splits anymore, while Rocky has bulked up again to face John Cena at Wrestlemania this year. Hell, it looks like The Rock could eat Van Damme he’s so jacked up!

2: Jackie Chan

Why he’s tough: Have you ever broken a bone? It hurt didn’t it? Well, Jackie Chan has broken so many bones, it’s surprising that he doesn’t more closely resemble a jellyfish by now. Not to mention that he’s still going (even if it is a bit more slowly) at the age of 57. Considering the life he’s led, he’s rivalled for durability only by the likes of Keith Richards, Jake “The Snake” Roberts and Iggy Pop.

Why he could beat The Rock: Sure The Rock can take a decent fall in the wrestling ring, but can he deal with a fall from a five story building? (And I realise that I’ve just reduced a fight between Jackie Chan and The Rock into a falling over contest.)

1: Randy Couture

Why he’s tough: Because he’s the real deal. Sure, he’s not the most acclaimed action movie star around (in fact, Expendables aside, his movies are B-list quality), but this isn’t a test to find the best, it’s to find the toughest. And Couture’s credentials as a 5-time UFC champion (in two weight classes) prove that he’s not a man to mess with, even at the age of 48. Hell, I predict he won’t be a man to mess with at the age of 78 too.

Why he could beat Chan: Chan is tough, there’s no doubt about that. But could he survive 3 rounds in the Octagon with Couture? Hmmm, probably not. Couture – you’re the champ, and with damn good reason.