DVD Movie Reviews

By Alex

So Universal Pictures are releasing the movie Battleship, which is based on the popular Hasbro classic board game of the same name. If you grew up in the ‘80s, then more than likely, you played this game on numerous road trips, long bus rides or while bored at home on rainy days – you get the drift. I guess the head honchos at the studio headquarters must be running low on ideas if they’re trying to make movies out of popular board games.

This got me thinking: there were a lot of board games that defined my misspent youth, what if these were made into movies too?

And behold: my list of board games that could be movies. Any day now, the studio execs are going to come knocking on my door to offer me a job. I make coming up with movie ideas look easy.

Connect Four

Plot pitch: Aliens drop a massive Connect Four like frame on all major cities of Earth. They then proceed to drop giant mechanical coin-shaped thingies (I couldn’t think of anything here) into the frame that crush and destroy the city. The only way to defeat the aliens is to play them at their own game and beat them at Connect Four! Can our heroes win without destroying their own city though? I’ve already got George Clooney in mind for the lead – I reckon he’d take the part, don’t you? It couldn’t be any worse then Out of Sight.

Guess Who

Plot: Hrmmm…ok, our hero is trapped in a room (don’t ask me how or why, I just come up with the main idea and the plebes figure that other stuff out), along with a group of people in a house. A killer is picking off the guests one by one as our hero watches on, trying to guess which one of them is actually the killer. Will our hero be able to discover who the killer is before everyone is dead?

Mouse Trap

Plot: An evil mastermind has captured our heroine (some sort of detective on the trail of a killer or something I guess) and is subjecting her to his diabolical game of cat and mouse – Mouse Trap! Our heroine must first build the trap that will ultimately kill her – or will it? It’s like a cross between Saw and Home Alone without that annoying brat Kevin and lots more gore. Ohhh wait, maybe with Kevin and lots more gore, yes, that's even better.

Ker-Plunk

Plot: Aliens (extraterrestrials are the easiest way to explain anything weird that might happen in movies) have placed a giant cylindrical cone over the White House. It’s full of killer aliens (who are wrapped up in tight little balls) which are held above the White House by numerous sticks that pierce the cone – look at the picture if I’m not making sense. Each stick removed drops a killer alien down into the White House where the residents – the President of the United States and his entourage – have to fight against the aliens to save their lives.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Plot: This one is easy. Giant mutant, rage-filled, hungry hippos have taken over the city. If you think this already sounds weird, you obviously haven’t seen Sharktopus. The hippos surround the city and are devouring the residents – nom, nom, nom. Our heroes must work out how not to get eaten and then figure out how to get rid of the mutant, grumpy hippos. It’s all very complex, about as complex as a barbeque shape.

Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the big wigs at the studios to come and buy my genius movie ideas off of me. Reserve price for each one is $12m – bargain, right? I know; I’m too generous.

Have you got any games that you’d like to see made into a movie? Drop me a comment and let’s see what I can come up with to turn it into a movie. Make them challenging people, as you can see here: I’m pretty good at this movie gig.

-Alex